Our Adoption in Progress

We accepted Frankie and Jasmine into our home because the social worker told us it was low-risk, meaning it was unlikely the birthparents would get the children back.

Let me back up.

The county called us for a presentation of 2 children up for adoption. It was a sibling set, a boy and a girl, who had been in foster care for 5 months. They came to the attention of the county when the parents (mom 19 and dad 17) brought Jasmine to the hospital. They thought she was constipated, but she was actually starving to death. The doctors said that if they had waited one more day, she would have been dead. The children were taken and placed in foster care that day. The birthparents were convicted of felony endangerment and incarcerated. Since their release, the social worker has offered them use of county services from parenting classes, to GED courses, to counseling, all to gather evidence to support her decision not to allow the children back with parents who almost killed one of them.

A few family members stepped forward and were interested in adopting the children, but none of them could pass a background check. The birthparents have no support system or good example to follow. Mom is youngest of 7, a high school dropout whose siblings have all said she made her own bed. Dad is oldest of 9 (with one on the way) and for a while his mother was helping. When Jasmine was born she said she could no longer help out.

After our presentation, our case was transferred to a new social worker. Bureaucracy and all that. The new social worker believes everything is going well. The birthparents are learning what they're supposed to, seem to be benefitting, she feels the court will look favorably on returning these children to their home of origin where one of them almost died. The court has ordered that the birthparents get to visit for 4 hours a week with supervision, so once a week we take the kids to the CPS office and they visit. Because dad is a minor, there's a no-contact order between the birthparents so they have to do their visitation separately. That means 4 hours a week they visit at the CPS office.

There is a court date coming up in October where parental rights were supposed to be terminated. With the spin the new social worker (and her supervisor) are putting on this case, the most likely outcome is a 6-month extension and possible increase in visitation.

Meanwhile we have the kids in our home, caring for them, kissing their boo boos, reading them bedtime stories, taking them to Grandma's house, making sure they're fed, warm, cool, healthy, giving them love and discipline, all to have the court take them away in a year. Our adoption worker has offered us an out: the status of the case has changed, we can pull out if we want to. We never signed on to be a temporary home. But how can we do that? How can we send these children back? While they're here we know they're loved, cared-for, and safe. If we let them go, we know no such thing. And if the court wants us to give them up, they're going to have to take them.

When this all started, we were so confident. Sure these were the right kids. Sure the timing and the situation were right. Sure this was what God wanted for our family. We told everyone, they threw baby showers, we took time off work to help them settle in. Everything had gone so smoothly: we finished our paperwork quickly, we took our training, we passed our home inspection the first time, we were chosen from the pool in a month (unprecidented in our county). Why is it falling apart now? Why is there nothing we can do? Why did we get a social worker so willing to send these children back to a home with no support system, no opportunities, no consistency?

I feel very strongly that this is a test of our faith. The question is, how far will that test go? Will it work itself out and our reward will be to keep the children? Or, like Abraham, Moses's mother, and God Himself, will we be asked to give up our children? And if we are, and we pass that test, what's our reward? We've already been told once we wouldn't have biological children, will we be asked to give up having children at all? Don't we have rights here? Don't the children? The trite answer is that we have to be willing to do what's best for the children. I am. I don't believe sending these children back to parents who almost killed one of them and then went to jail for it is what's best for them. There is no one to represent the children in this case, except us, and our word has no credibility because of our natural (and understandable) bias.

All the same, I want desperately to testify in this case, or at least submit a statement to the court. I didn't when it started, but I do now. I want my voice, and the voice of my children, to be heard by the judge. I don't want to send them back to a more difficult life. I don't want to put them in the hands of convicted abusers. And as callous as this may sound, they can have more. They have the luxury of fertility and youth. We have had such luxuries taken from us.

I'm a little bit of a control freak, and I dislike having control not only lost but actively taken at every turn. My only hope now is to pray for a wise judge who will see the truth behind the legal mask. One who will know what's right and not what's legal. One who will see a family, and not a temporary solution. And I need to send this question out to the cosmos in the hopes that someone may see and offer some suggestion. I expect no answers from this avenue, which is part of why I wrote it. But perhaps someone will have an idea. If anyone knows any lawyers, social workers, or court advocates, send them my way. Have them drop me an e-mail. I need to build up my army. This is going to be one hell of a battle.

Once more into the breach, dear friends.