The REAL Monster

It is officially Holloween season.  I love Halloween.  I love it (GASP) more than Christmas.  I love costumes and haunted houses.  I love scary movies and carnivals.  I love jack-o-lanterns, candy, and bouncy houses.  I love the magic in the air.  For a whole day, anyone can be anyone or anything they want.  I spend months planning my Halloween activities.  October 1st, I devote myself to finding scary movies on TV, the perfect Halloween candy (I have to be the good house), and the most fun festivals, parties, and carnivals I can.

Monsters are fascinating to me.  Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein, whatever that thing was that lived under my bed when I was a kid.  Each one scarier than the next.  However, I have recently discovered a monster scarier than any other I have ever encountered (and I've been to Knott's Scary Farm many times).  This monster strikes fear in the heart of everyone it encounters.  Angels certainly fear to tread in its presence.  And yet, there has never been a single movie made or book written about this monster (at least that I know of).  Perhaps it's because it's so fearsome we dare not speak of it.  It's so scary our brains refuse to dwell on it.  We awake from nightmares about this monster, unable to recall what caused such full-blown terror.  It is what makes us afraid of the dark.  It is what makes us afraid of silence.  We fear what's under the bed because we know this monster could certainly thrive in that environment.  This monster is known only as CRANKY BABY!

We live in fear of CRANKY BABY.  Everything we do, every day, is aimed at avoiding an encounter with CRANKY BABY.  Why do I skip lunch?  So I can feed Carson and prevent him from transforming into CRANKY BABY.  Why do I plan field trips?  So Carson doesn't get bored and turn into CRANKY BABY.  Why do I get up before dawn on Sunday mornings?  Because that's when Carson wakes up begins plotting when to become CRANKY BABY.

And when CRANKY BABY appears, what do we do?  We beg, we plead, we cry, we bribe, we avoid.  But you can't ignore CRANKY BABY.  You can't lock CRANKY BABY in a room and hope it goes away.  Why?  Ah.  This is at the heart of what makes CRANKY BABY so terrifying.  Avoidance and ignoring only fuels CRANKY BABY.  The more you pretend CRANKY BABY isn't around, the more CRANKY BABY displays its power.  CRANKY BABY has an endless supply of energy, and needs no motivation.  It takes no prisoners and can strike at any moment.  At home during dinner.  Out shopping.  At Grandma's house.  At Disneyland.  And its appearance is a virtual guarantee anywhere near bedtime.

But we have a weapon againt the terror that is CRANKY BABY.  We have one way to combat the fear, the demands, the insistence of this terrible creature.  That weapon is something in the home of every family that harbors a latent CRANKY BABY waiting to emerge.  It's a commonplace object that is our only raft in the endless sea of fear that surrounds CRANKY BABY.  This relief, this savior, this sword is known as THE BOTTLE.  When fear of CRANKY BABY reaches its peak, our only recourse is THE BOTTLE.  Wielding THE BOTTLE sends CRANKY BABY running for the hills, and only then can peace be restored.

And the peasants rejoice.

Leave My Parking Space Alone!

My local chain grocery store reserves 3 parking spaces near the front door for adults with children. It's fabulous when I take my son with me because it's right near where the shopping carts are, and I don't have to cross the parking lot to get to the door. Every now and then, I drive up and all those spaces are occupied. No big deal, really. Glad the store is doing well because I want to keep shopping there. However, sometimes I glance into those cars in those easy-access, convenient parking spaces reserved for adults with children, and there's not a car seat to be seen. And that just makes me want to key those cars that are parked there.

Now, before anyone freaks out, I have never vandilized a car for a reason as ridiculous as being in a parking space I wanted. In fact, I've never vandilized a car, period. I understand that the store reserves those parking spaces as a courtesy, much like some businesses reserve spaces for pregnant women so they don't have to walk so far. It's not a law, and people without children can't be ticketed for parking in those spots like they could in handicapped parking. In fact, there's reason the store has to reserve those spots at all. But they choose to as a customer service option. And I greatly appreciate it.

So the next time you see parking for adults with children, don't roll your eyes because parents somehow feel entitled to better parking. We don't. And we're not. But when someone takes the time to do something to make our lives a little bit easier, it goes a long way. And when someone without kids takes those parking spaces, it just shows how selfish and disrespectful they are of both the parents who could park there but now can't, and the store where they're shopping that's trying to have good customer service but can't because certain patrons choose to take advantage.

People with children aren't special or entitled. But we really appreciate the little things.

On the Utility of Clausterphobia

People who know me will not find the following statement surprising: I love bunnies. I've owned bunnies for almost 10 years now. The first one was something of an accident. My husband was deployed, and I felt like I needed something to focus my energy on. I decided a pet was just the thing, and I had never had a rabbit before. This was before I worked in the vertinary field or was familiar with rescues and I figured the only way to get one was the pet shop. So I picked up my first bunny at a pet shop. At the same time, I purchased "Rabbits for Dummies" by Audrey Pavia. It's an excellent book that I highly recommend to anyone owning or looking to work with rabbits any way. This was how I learned about the idea of house rabbits: bunnies who live in the house with the people as opposed to the yard where they get forgotten or eaten by coyotes.

Turns out, bunnies have fun little personalities and are loads of fun to keep in the house. They like to sit on your lap and snuggle. They like to sleep on the carpet. They like to hang out with people and play with toys. Some of them will even retrieve. Up until very recently, our bunnies have had their own room in our house.

About a year ago, my husband proposed the idea of moving our bunnies outside so that we could have a guest room. As an advocate for house rabbits, I was conflicted. I wasn't opposed to the idea of rabbits living outside. In fact, I was certain there was a way it could be done. However, having them outside brings up many issues that need to be addressed in the name of health and safety: predators, insects, burrowing, heat, cold, rain, attention, stress. All things that need to be resolved if bunnies are going to live and thrive outside. I told him I would be willing to do it if we could find ways to deal with all these problems.

So we began a quest to find a safe way to have our bunnies outside and still part of the family. We found a custom-built chicken coop that we had to have important from England that looked like it would do as a starting point. It's about 4 feet by 2 feet and has a nesting box where we put hay and the litter box. It has a built-in play yard (not very big, but they frequently have free run of the whole back yard when the weather is nice, more on that in a minute), and a roof. We put it in the shade of a tree in a corner of our yard that gets almost no direct sunlight. My husband dug down about 3 feet all the way around the perimeter and burried rocks and cement edges to curb burrowing. Once every few months, we spray the whole thing down with citronella oil to keep the bugs away (we have a serious fly problem where we live, and there are numerous nasty diseases that bunnies can get from mosquitoes). The floor on the main level is dirt which we cover with bark mulch as needed, and the upper level has a wood-and-metal floor that we cover with a towel on one side, and a tray that forms the litter box on the other. Every few days the upper level gets stripped and cleaned with vinegar and high-power water spray. When the days are hot, the bunnies get ice packs. But these are no ordinary ice packs. They are 2-liter bottles of frozen water we keep on hand in our chest freezer. The bunnies get one bottle during the day, and if the evening is still warm enough to need one, we swap the daytime bottle for a fresh, frozen one. And voila! Cool in the summer, warm in the winter, dry in the rain, protected from predators and insects, bunny proof. If the weather's nice (not too hot, not too cold), we let them have free run of the back yard to eat as much grass as they want. This means we have to make sure and keep the grass free of mushrooms, and make sure all the plants we plant are non-toxic.

Sound like a lot of work? It is! But we've been surprised how happy our bunnies are with this arrangement. We still see them every day (we have to feed them, don't we?) which gives us a chance to check them over and make sure they're healthy. They eat a good diet thanks to the weather-proof containers we found for hay and pellets. Sure we have to clean more often than we did when they were inside, but that's part of keeping them healthy. And yes, we have to make more of an effort to spend time with them, but what family member isn't worth a little bit of extra effort? There's also a lot of maintenance involved in their new custom home: hinges get loose, wood has to be water-sealed, screening has to be replaced, mulch, mulch, and more mulch. And we have to keep an eye out for crafty bunnies who find ways to dig under the barrier we placed. So every once in a while we head to the garden store for more river rocks. It's all worth it to keep our bunnies safe and happy.

I used to believe the only acceptable place to keep a rabbit was in the house, and there are many rescues and other organizations that feel the same way. My own experience has led me to change my view to include outdoor habitats as long as they're done well. There's a right way and a wrong way to keep rabbits outside, and doing it right is complicated and labor-intesive, but it CAN be done.

So to the rabbit rescue who outright refused to adopt to us because we keep our rabbits outside: that's okay. We found a bunny buddy at the animal shelter, and we'll still buy our hay and pellets from you. And to the volunteer who gave us a condescending lecture about myxomatosis: I'm an RVT. I have 8 years of experience with small and exotic animals and I worked for 2 and 1/2 years under one of the best rabbit doctors out there. Your policy is, quite frankly, insulting to me. To suggest that I can't possibly take acceptable care of my bunnies while they live outside is belittling.

All of this is to say that we recently acquired another bunny. Our older bunny died, leaving his girlfriend behind. Now that we have them outside, it was very important to us to find a new boyfriend for her because we could tell she was clearly lonely. So a few days ago, we headed to the animal shelter and met a black and white mini rex the shelter had named Mickey. He's very sweet, but very shy and nervous. In talking to the shelter staff, we found out he was surrendered by his previous owners just the day before. So we think his nervousness may very well be temporary. He's had a lot of upheaval in his little life in the past few days: his family moved, he got sent to the shelter, and then brought back to our house where his new girlfriend promtly tried to kill him.

A special note about bunny fights: they fight dirty. There are no ground rules, and no gentlemen's agreements. They bite, pull hair, and go for the genitals. They growl, chase, circle, and kick. And the fur flies! And it all happens so fast that breaking it up can be difficult.

We brought our female bunny with us to the shelter so she could meet prospective boyfriends. We figured we'd go with the one she didn't try to kill on sight. She's a little pushy and she likes to get her way. The reason her last relationship worked so well was because her boyfriend let her push him around and stayed out of her way. They met up, and sat next to each other in my husband's lap. Looked like we had a winner.

There are many approaches to teaching a pair of bunnies to get along. We have had the best luck with what I call the Car Ride Method. Throw both bunnies in a carrier and take them on a long car ride. The car ride is stressful and bunnies' natural tendency is to look for another bunny to snuggle up to when they get nervous. So you create an environment where the other bunny's presence is soothing and positive. Then when you get home, they view each other as good as opposed to threatening. After we take them on a car ride, we set them up in a pen (in the house for this part). We put them both in the litter box together, side by side, and sit with them for an hour or two, making sure they stay next to each other and no one bites anyone else. Eventually one or the other will being grooming the other bunny. This is a very good sign. Bunnies, much like primates, use grooming as a social activity. They will groom each other as they lie next to each other and rest during the day. Once we've gone a reasonable amount of time without any fur flying, we start making the pen smaller and smaller, forcing the bunnies to be in closer proximity to each other. When the pen is as small as it will go, we leave the bunnies together in that tight space for a few days, monitoring them closely. They can't get away from each other, and being is such a small space forces them to buddy up again, just like in the car.

Then we move them into their permanent environment (in this case, their custom house in the yard), and watch them. It's very important to wait on this step until you're fairly confident the bunnies have worked out who's the dominant one, and the submissive one has figured out what to do: run away, bite back, groom, ignore, whatever works for them. Because we can't monitor them as closely when they're outside as we can when they're inside, we wanted to be sure we wouldn't get up one morning to find an injured bunny in the cage.

And the good news is, it worked! They're still sorting themselves out a little bit, but they're both eating and drinking and seem to be tolerating each other very well. Hooray for orchestrated stress!

Fielding Adoption Questions and Spreading Some Love

I thought for a long time about whether to mention this topic here because I didn't want to sound ranting (too late!) or whining, both of which are uninteresting to read. However, I have come to the conclusion that my motivation for talking about such things is not to rant, complain, whine, or otherwise throw an adult-sized tantrum. My motivation is actually to educate anyone out there who may read this about adoption as a topic, and about how to talk to anyone you may meet who either an adoptive parent or child. With that in mind, I'm going to bring up some topics that are both insensitive and inappropriate to bring up to adoptive parents or their children. Many people who say these things mean well. They don't realize their questions or comments are inappropriate or even hurtful. And that is why I'm writing this: to give you an edge over these people and keep you from making their mistakes.

First of all, there are several kinds of adoption, but the three common are private, international, and agency. All of these types have varying degrees of openness, a topic I'll get to in a second.

Private adoption is one facilitated by a lawyer or agency that specializes in helping birthparents and adoptive parents find each other. This is the kind of adoption romanticized by such television shows as "An Adoption Story" and "A Baby Story". They are what has become the public opinion of adoption where a birthmother is making an adoption plan for her child before he or she is born, chooses an adoptive family, and turns the baby over after birth, often in the hospital.

International adoption, as the name suggests, is when an adoptive family from the U.S. chooses to adopt a child from another country. This frequently takes longer, and each country has different rules about who can adopt, how the process will go, and what is required. These children frequently come from orphanages in the country of origin, so adoptive families don't usually meet the birth family.

Agency adoption is sometimes referred to as fost-adopt, or social services adoption. The children come from what is commonly referred to as "the system", meaning they have been removed from their birth families for their own safety. The agency (usually Child Protective Services or some similar governing body) has made the decision that it is in the child's best interest to be placed in a home for adoption rather than return to his or her family of origin.

All types of adoption vary in the level of openness, that is, relationship between the adoptive family and the birth family. Some adoptive families have never met their children's birth families, some have met once or twice, some exchange regular information and pictures, and some have extended family-type relationships. Each case is different, and each family has to decide which is the best option for them.

My husband and I are in the process of an agency adoption, so the insight I can give comes from that perspective. It's the process I'm most familiar with, and the only one I have experience with, so it's the only one I'm comfortable speculating on. The following annoying topics are annoying regardless of the type of adoption chosen, but as to WHY they're annoying, that can vary from case to case, person to person. Again, all insights are from my own experience and may or may not be the same for everyone you meet. Take it as a guideline, and understand that some things may just need to be re-worded, not left out entirely from the conversation.

1. Who are his "real" parents?
My husband and I are his real parents. He lives with us, we feed him, change him, spend time with him, take him to the doctor, put him to bed at night and get him up in the morning. We wonder whether he's teething or getting enough nutrients. We make sure he gains enough weight. We give him his medication. If you are wondering about his biological parents, the words you're looking for are "birthmother", "birthfather", or even "birth family".

2. Aren't you wonderful to adopt this child?
Hate to break it to you, but we're not adopting to get more jewels on our crowns in Heaven, or even to do something nice for our community. We're doing it because we want children. We're not saints, and we're not perfect, we just want to be parents.

3. How could his "real" mother give away an adorable baby?
Once again, I am his real mother, my husband is his real father. And truth be told, she didn't give him away. The County took him. She's actually been as much a thorn in our sides as she can be with all the things she's done to try and stop the adoption from happening. Now, why did she make the choices she made that caused the County to decide to take him? I really have no idea. You'd have to ask her that.

4. Do you know anything about his background?
He doesn't have a background, he's 8 months old. His background WILL be that he grew up in a warm, loving, mostly functional home. His birthmother's background? Well, yes, we know a little bit about that. As much as she was willing to fess up to the County social worker who talked to her after she gave birth. Is it all true? Who knows?

5. What will you do if he searches for his "real" mother?
Again with the "real" mother! See question 1 on that. And incidentally, he has every right to search for his birthmother. I'll help him. I'm not threatened by her, and she shouldn't be by me. If my son wants to know where he came from, he can. I want him to.

6. It's almost like having one of your own, right?
Uhm... it's exactly like having one of my own, because he IS my own. My son. Not a loan, not a guardianship, not a temporary solution. He's mine for life, whether he likes it or not.

7. Why was he given up for adoption?
He wasn't given up. And the reasons are really none of your business. That information is not public record, and is actually quite personal. I'm happy to share his history with people I know well, but it's not your right to ask simply because you know he's adopted. I don't ask about the night your child was conceived, and you would be slightly taken aback if I did.

8. How much did you pay for your baby?
Some adoption process are associated with fees. Everyone would like them to be free, but the reality is things cost money: lawyers, social workers, background checks, physicals, sometimes travel. None of this money is money paid for a baby. You're paying for a process, not a child. All that being said, because our adoption is through our County, we didn't pay anything. In fact, they pay us until the adoption is finalized because until then our son is actually a foster child.

9. Now that you've adopted, you'll probably get pregnant, right?
This one burns me more than any other. Only 5% of adoptive families get pregnant after they adopt. And that's only when no reason has been found for their initial infertility, if there was any. Long story, but I am not able to get pregnant. Period. It doesn't matter how much I pray, believe, or relax. I won't get pregnant. Sorry to be such a disappointment to you.

10. Are you going to tell him he's adopted?
Why wouldn't we? Being adopted isn't shameful, any more than being born is. It's how he joined our family. There have been numerous studies that show that kids who know they're adopted grow up much happier, healthier, and more confident than kids that find out later. On a more practical note: can you imagine keeping something like that a secret forever? Even I can't keep track of that many stories. And if we weren't going to tell him, why would we tell you?

Before You Buy a Purebred Dog, Read This

I'm a Registered Veterinary Technician, and in my field I see my fair share of crazy: crazy clients, crazy dogs, crazy cats, crazy doctors, even crazy ferrets. One of the things that makes me crazy is when people insist on buying purebred dogs, or insisting that a purebred dog is inherently better than a mix.

If you want a dog who's going to live forever and never get sick, get a mutt. There are over 300 health problems (either congenital or acquired) that relate to being purebred. Everything from skeletal abnormalities to joint problems to heart problems to difficulty breeding and giving birth to skin problems to behavior problems to breathing problems to pancreatitis. The list goes on and on.

Purebred dogs are bred for profit. That means their sole reason for existing is to make money for the breeder. They aren't bred for companionship or showmanship. And a special note about the AKC registry: it is simply a registry of genetics. All it means is that the mother and father were both AKC registered. It doesn't mean the dog meets the breed standard, it doesn't mean the dog has particular personality traits the breed is known for, it doesn't mean the dog has been screened for health problems. It doesn't even mean the dog is a particularly NICE dog.

I don't want this to sound like I categorically hate breeders. I don't. There are some good breeders out there. If you're looking for a purebred dog, you need to make sure it comes from a good breeder. How can you tell? Well, I'm glad you asked. A good breeder will not advertise in the paper. He will not stand outside Wal-Mart with a sign. He will not sell his puppies to a pet store. He will not place an ad on Craigslist, and he will not sell you a puppy for less than $1000. A good breeder is not looking to make money. He is looking to improve the breed. He will make sure both the mother and father are not only AKC registered, but have been checked for common hereditary problems by a veterinarian. He will carefully select his breeding pair for not only physical soundness, but also temperament and behavior patterns. He will maintain the integrity of his breeding stock by retiring females while they are still young enough to appreciate their quality of life, and he will spay those females to prevent them from getting pyometra, or infected uterus. Good breeders are few and far between and often difficult to find.

Pet stores are not a good place to get puppies. Most will tell you they don't get their puppies from puppy mills, but take a look at your paperwork. If the puppy's breeder of origin is somewhere in the midwest, chances are good it's from a puppy mill. The AKC has a list of certified breeders on their website, which is a good place to start. Most breeds have a local club for showing and breeding. Check with them to see what breeders they recommend.

When you look into a breeder, there are some guidelines to follow to ensure you are not compounding an already devastating problem. First, make sure and visit the breeding facility. Is it clean? Do the animals have access to food, water, and shelter? Are the puppies in a cage or running free to learn what it's like to live in a house? Is it the kind of place you would be comfortable bringing your dog back for a visit?

Second, both the mother and father should be on site when you go. You should get a chance to spend time with both parents to get an idea of what your puppy may be like when he or she grows up, both in size and temperament. Do the parents look healthy? Have they had regular veterinary care? Do they look well-fed? Are their hair coats in good shape?

Third, make sure and ask the breeder lots of questions. Have the parents been screened by a veterinarian for common hereditary problems? We all know health problems can be inherited, but 90% of a dog's behavior issues will also be inherited. Has the breeder ever noticed any problems with aggression? Obsessive behaviors? Anxiety? Do the parents have any obedience training? How did they do with that? How many litters has this female had? The answer should be only one or two in her lifetime.

Lastly, any puppy you buy should be seen by a veterinarian prior to purchase. A good breeder will be willing to pay all or part of this expense. A good breeder will also allow you to choose the veterinarian you prefer, rather than insist you go to one they prefer. If you don't have a veterinarian you prefer yet (perhaps this is your first dog) ask the breeder if they have one they like and go visit the doctor's clinic. What do you think of the place? Would you be willing to continue here?

Sound like a lot of work? It should. You should also realize that animal shelters have many beautiful, purebred dogs who have been screened for behavior problems, if not health ones. Before they put animals up for adoption they are tested for aggression and personality quirks you may want to be aware of. When you adopt a pet, you save two lives: the life of the pet you adopted, and the life of the one who can take its place in the shelter.

Shelter pets won't have papers to prove they're purebred, so if owning a purebred dog is still important to you and you want to make sure they've "proven" they're purebred, look into a rescue. There's a rescue for almost every breed out there, and all you have to do is Google the breed and the word "rescue" along with your zip code to find one near you. Rescues that specialize in purebred pets will do some of the prep work for you so you know what you're getting into when adopting from them. They all require an adoption fee that you won't be able to get back, but you WILL be able to claim on your taxes. Make sure you understand the terms of the adoption before you sign including the fee as well as any return policy they may have. Many rescues require you return the dog to them should the match not work out so they can find another home for him or her. They will usually offer you another dog in return. They will have an application for you to fill out, and many require a home visit so they can see the environment where the puppy will grow up.

If all this purebred stuff sounds way too complicated, and you still want a dog, take a trip to your local animal shelter and give them a shot. Most mutts have the best of all their breeds mixed together without the health issues. Whichever way you turn, make sure you're informed. It's an important decision.

Infertility is Not the End

In watching the 700 Club the other day, I was outraged. Now, for those of you making the, "Uh... what?" face, relax. I don't routinely (read: ever) watch the 700 Club. I had just turned on the TV and some decent network had the misfortune of airing the lunacy to which I'm about to refer. They happened to be talking about infertility, so I stopped to listen for a moment.

So many Christian leaders (I debated putting those words in quotations and decided to give them the benefit of the doubt) act as though if you just pray hard enough, and have enough faith, God will "overcome" your infertility and you'll conceive. And if you don't, well then God has spoken: He doesn't want you to have children and that's your burden. Now you need to pray for Him to help you carry it.

And that is when I changed the channel, and came here: the only place I have to speak out, educate the public, and spread a little tolerance.

I prayed long and hard, and with many tears to conceive. I prayed in every style and fashion I could think of, to every god, goddess, icon, and idol I came across. I lit candles, I recited from books, I said rosaries and Hail Marys. I called on the elements, I opened and closed circles, I did acts of faith. I sacrificed, I bargained, I sobbed, I raged. The only things any god chose to "bless" me with were infertility, early paramenopause, and polycystic ovaries.

I refused to believe two things: 1) The lie that God did not want me to have children, and 2) the lie that the only way to have children is to conceive. My husband and I chose adoption, and God (of any kind) had nothing to do with it. We have a son because we followed a prescribed process of steps, a committee liked our profile, and a woman chose drugs over her child. And as for the notion that everyone who applies for adoption conceives, I offer the following reality check: that only happens in a whopping 5% of cases.

I'm broken, defective, a disappointment to myself and many people around me. And you would have me believe that God wants me to settle for that? Then you and I are accquainted with very different Gods.

Someone actually said to me one day: "It's great you can adopt, but it's too bad you can't get pregnant." Really? Too bad? I don't have to endure swollen feet, night sweats, heartburn, or elevated temperature. I don't have to sacrifice my body and my energy. I don't have to torture the people around me with my mood swings and unreasonable demands. I don't have to endure childbirth and all the decisions that go with it: hospital or home? hot tub or not? Lamaze or epidural? vaginal or C-section? doula? doctor? midwife? You know what? You're right! Given the choice, who wouldn't take all that on?

And bonding? Don't even get me started. My son has no bond with his birthmother. He wouldn't recognize her if she were right in front of him. He may wonder later, but the fact that she carried and delivered him means nothing. He tested positive for meth at birth, that's how much she cared. You know who he is bonded with? My husband. Myself. His grandparents. His face lights up when we get him up in the morning. He stops crying when we hold him. So don't tell me it's too bad I can't get pregnant. Our family is exactly what it was supposed to be.

Carson is Home, and Other Noteworthy Thoughts

Around November of last year, we pulled ourselves together and asked our social worker to put our names back on the adoption waiting list, much to the surprise of some of our friends and family. With our previous experience, we weren't sure we would be willing to go back to the County. However, we were cautiously encouraged by the many people we encountered (including our own social worker who has been doing this quite a while and has only had 2 failed adoptions, ours included) who said it "never happens", and decided we were willing to give the County one more shot. And since we hadn't won the lottery, or as yet found $30,000 under a rock, it was really our only option.

About a month ago we were matched with a 2-month-old little boy. He's the 10th child of his birthmother, and the 2nd of his birthfather. All the other kids have been adopted. He was 6-7 weeks premature. No one really knows for sure how many because there was no prenatal care. He has some very normal preemie health issues that are resolving themselves quickly. He was having problems with the suck-swallow-breathe sequence it takes to eat, and he was diagnosed with Reactive Airway Disease. "What's that?" you say. Well, we don't really know, and the doctor looked at me like I had three heads when I told her someone had given him the label. But it caused his first doctor to prescribe a nebulizer at first every 4 hours, then every 6, then every 8, and now just every 12. He also had some issues with apnea. For the uninitiated, that means he would stop breathing from time to time. This meant he was on a monitor that would go off if he stopped breathing. When we first met him, it was going off once a week. Since he's been in our house, it hasn't gone off at all. The leads were irritating his skin, so at his last visit the doctor said he only needed to wear it when he sleeps. She also referred him to a pulmonologist (read: lung doctor) to see if he still needs the nebulizer. It looks like we'll be able to shed the machinery in the very near future.

He's not having any trouble eating anymore, and he eats a high-calorie formula to help him gain weight (he's still on the small side). We expect him to catch up with his peers in weight by his first birthday if things keep going the way they are.

And last week he started sleeping through the night (yay!) 8-9 hours at a time at night, and he seems to have settled into 2 distinct nap times during the day. We still feed him on demand and he hasn't quite settled into a pattern for that, but he's got some weight to make up for so we don't mind.

As far as legality goes, we're just waiting around for the process to happen. The County has heard nothing from either birthparent since he was taken into care, so we just have to go through the motions and wait. State law says we can't finalize the adoption until he's been in our house for at least 6 months anyway, so we'd be waiting it out under any circumstance.

Having him home has brought to my attention some things that I have always known but have recently affected me a little more personally.

One is that some people (some of them my very good friends) are childless by choice. I have no problem with this decision. I respect, and even admire, the ability to recognize that parenting is something they're not interested in for whatever reason. I taught preschool for 6 years, and I can testify to the fact that not everyone is cut out for parenting. It's not some kind of character flaw or personality disorder. It's just something that not everyone is good at. Sort of how I could never be an accountant. My clients would all sue me for getting their taxes wrong. Just not something I'm good at. Understanding you're not made for parenting is just as important as understanding that you are. And I admire anyone who chooses not to have children out of a sense of obligation or because it's expected of you. It's a sign of maturity and knowing yourself well. Both very good things.

However, some of these people (not the ones who are my very good friends) have taken this choice a dangerous step further and have decided that NO ONE should have children. Or that if they do, they should never take them anywhere public. Set aside for the moment the insanity of being locked in your home with a small child all day, every day. Really? Children should never be anywhere that adults are? How would they learn the self-control necessary in adult-type situations? How would they learn to sit nicely in a restaurant (even if they don't want to)? How would they learn when to touch and when not to? How would they learn to wait their turn?

It's fine for you to choose not to have children. Good for you for understanding it's not your thing. But I'd say that if your goal is to never be AROUND children, you'd better start ordering in a lot. Taking children out into the community is an important life lesson, as well as a necessity in some cases. Sometimes you have to run to the store now, and you can't wait until hubby gets home to babysit for you. Sometimes you're a single mom who doesn't have anyone to babysit, hubby or not. And you know what? No one is going to pay a sitter for the 2 hours it takes to go to the dentist or the vet. Kids are everywhere, so deal with it. People are not going to stop having children because you have some strange idea that taking kids in public is somehow inappropriate.

The second thing I've newly noticed is how desperate everyone is for our kids to look like us. Really? Is that what matters? Reality is there's very little chance our kids will look anything like us. And why does it matter? This is about a family, not DNA. Carson has a place on our family tree because we chose him for it, not because he got stuck with our genes (which aren't that great, may I say). I'm not connected to my son because I gave birth to him. It's because I chose to be connected. He's not attached to me because I gave him life. It's because I meet his needs and make him feel secure.

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still very much my own. Don't forget for a single minute, you grew not under my heart, but in it.