We euthanized our control yesterday

At the end of any research study, the animals are euthanized.  This is because they need to be autoposied so the scientists can figure out what changes happened inside the animal during the study.  They take sample of all the major body systems (heart, lungs, liver, spleen, pancreas, and kidney, as well as some connective tissue in this case) and analyze them.  I'm not involved in analysis, but obviously I am there for the euthanasia part.  More than just being there, I'm the one that gave the injection to euthanize the animal.  The animal was then immediately taken to the pathology center so tissue samples could be taken, blood drawn, and the carcass disposed of properly (cremated).

I've worked in a field that utilizes euthanasia for most of my adult life.  Veterinary medicine employs euthanasia as an option in some cases, where medically appropriate.  This is not the place to debate whether or not euthanasia as a practice is ethical, acceptable, or whatever.  My contention is that it exists, we use it, and it's a reality of my job.  I'm not making (nor inviting) a judgement call about the practice, just acknowledging its existence.  A lot of veterinary professionals site euthanasia as the reason they suffer from burnout and compassion fatigue.  Again, I'm not here to debate that fact, although I will say that I have had compassion fatigue in the past, and it wasn't really related to euthanasia.  It wasn't really related to anything having to do with the animals, actually.  It was usually because of the rudeness of pet owners (I got accused of not loving animals more times than I care to remember) and the unrealistic expectations of some doctors I worked with.  So I'm not opposed to the idea of euthanasia in general, and in fact most of the time it's the most loving thing we can do for a pet who is suffering and has spent their life being a companion to us.  We tell them thank you for being a good pet, and we let them go.  

But euthanasia in my current job is different.  These animals aren't sick.  They aren't dying.  This is their contribution to science.  It's their job.  One of the reasons I don't have an issue with euthanasia is because I take it seriously, I treat the animal with respect, and that makes the experience less routine.  I've developed a mantra of sorts that I frequently will say over animals as I euthanize them: "Black god take you gentle, Weiryn keep you safe."  These are both Pagan gods, the Black God is the god of death, Weiryn is the god of animals.  In Pagan tradition, the Black God escorts the dead (of any species) across the veil to the next life.  Weiryn protects animals who have died and makes sure they have all the blessings they might have been missing in this life.  With this job, I added, "Thank you for your sacrifice."  

The animals I'm responsible for will die. They have to.  It's how we'll learn from them.  You may have a personal issue with research, euthanasia, or animals in captivity at all (remember that includes pet ownership), and that's fine.  You don't have to agree with me.  But I have to find some way to make that okay for me, or I will definitely get burnout or compassion fatigue or just bored.  One of the guidelines I've developed for myself is to acknowledge that euthanasia is routine.  Routine means that we do it frequently, and we have a formula for how it's supposed to go.  But that doesn't mean it has to be mundane.  We can still take it seriously, we can still treat an animal with respect, we can still thank them for whatever contribution they have made, whether to science or as a companion.  So I thank them appropriately and I move on.  It's the best thing I can do.

Black God take you gentle, Weiryn keep you safe, thank you for your sacrifice.

Being part of an essential research department during a pandemic

We're all familiar with the COVID-19 outbreak, I don't need to go into that.  I started my current job in a research department of a university right before the "shelter in place" orders went out.  I believe I had two weeks of "normal" before the order went into effect.  In response, the university closed its campus, and all the students and faculty began working from home.  Classes are being conducted online, conferences and other on-campus events were canceled, and anyone not deemed "essential staff" was ordered to work from home.  I don't have a lot of contact with students or faculty, so I can't say how that end of things is going, but from what I understand of the administrative part of the staff, working from home is working wonderfully for them.  

Active research was deemed "essential", so I keep coming to work every day to do my job.  A job that is quite nebulous regarding its requirements and daily responsibilities.  The big picture is that my job is to make sure animals are being treated humanely and appropriately.  That divides itself into a number of things ranging from monitoring anesthesia to doing daily drug administration to socializing and caring for the animals.  There is a separate animal care staff that is responsible for food, water, cleaning, etc.  If we happen to have surgeries on any given day, that is my primary responsibility, if not, then I focus on socialization, administering drugs, and inventory/administrative tasks (document, document, document).  I also have to clean and maintain all our surgical instruments and equipment and keep track of inventory and ordering.

What is especially weird is coming to campus day after day when there's basically no one here.  Security is here, as well as shipping and receiving, and a handful of researchers.  A small handful.  My desk is an unused open bench in the lab.  As I type this, there is one other person here, a researcher I don't know, doing work I'm not familiar with.  The whole thing is like a setting for a zombie apocalypse movie.  Every morning I arrive at work and enter my building through the loading dock.  Why?  The key card system used to lock the front doors of all the buildings has been turned off.  The only way to get into any building is with a key, and only security has those.  So I have two options when I get to work in the morning: flag down a security guard and ask them to let me in, or go through the loading dock.  I typically opt for the loading dock because I don't have to bother anyone for that (not that they're bothered, they don't want to be sent home).

Once I'm in the building, if I see more than 4 other people in a given day it's an event.  My floor of my building is only for research, so there's no reason for anyone else to be here.  Most days I'm the only one in the lab.  It's also a biosecure facility so in addition to no one NEEDING to be here, no one can actually get into the lab or the vivarium (where the animals live) without authorization and a key.  The key is actually a chip embedded in my badge which I use to open any doors I need to enter.  Out of curiosity, the other day I went exploring on the other floors of my building, which are classrooms, offices, and study rooms.  

They were categorically empty.

Now, I'm an introvert who also happens to have social anxiety, so the fact that I never see anyone doesn't really bother me.  It is, however, creepy AF.  These rooms that used to house groups of students studying, professors giving advice and criticism, and lectures and presentations now stand empty and dark.  The cafe on campus is closed until further notice, so that social center is quiet, dark, and unpopulated.  I couldn't get in there if I wanted to.  I keep expecting Norman Reedus to jump out from behind some corner, but sadly, he never has.  Campus walkways that are usually filled with students, both current and prospective, are deserted.  Outdoor seating areas have been abandoned.  And obviously the parking lot is a virtual ghost town.

All of this inactivity makes me curious about what will happen when we can again go back to "normal".  My personal hypothesis is that there will be a new "normal".  I don't know what will be new, but things will not go back to the way they were.  Employers have learned that employees can telecommute, event to do things they didn't previously think could be done at home.  The food service industry has encountered new ways they can serve their customers from takeout to delivery to allowing customers to buy grocery items from them.  What, then, will happen when the order is lifted?  Like I said, I don't know.  But I'm very interested to see what the evolution of this situation will be.

Until then, my job is still my job, and I'll keep doing it while also maintaining social distancing, wearing a face mask when I go into public spaces, and staying home when I can.