Adoption Advice I Wish Someone had Given Me

When we began our adoption process, we looked everywhere for advice, tips, stories, some kind of idea of what we were heading into.  We found very little.  We spoke to a few adoptive families we knew, but they had all adopted through private channels.  We never had an opportunity to speak to anyone who had gone through the foster system, as we were planning to do.  We learned many things along the way via trial by fire.  Now that we're on the other side of 2 finalized adoptions, and we've closed our foster license, I've compiled the following list of points I wish someone had told me about before this all began.

1. Be Vocal
Social workers are busy people, usually being asked to handle far more work than any human should be able to get done in a lifetime, let alone the week many of them are allotted.  They are also having to juggle a number of different types of cases at any given time.  You, a stable home with intentions of permanency, will likely be lower on the priority list than you would like to be.  Social workers focus their time where they can, and less stable, potential problem homes are going to be at the top of the list.  If there's something you need, or a question you want to ask, don't wait for your social worker to come for a visit, send out an e-mail, or give you a call.  Ask any questions you have, address any problems you encounter, bring up any concern you think of whenever you think of it.  Despite the work load, your social worker wants to help you.  That's what they're there for.  You just have to reach for it.  Be the squeaky wheel.

2. Be Candid
Your adoption worker is your advocate within the system.  They approve whether your family profile is considered for given child.  Let them get to know you as you are.  Be truthful.  No adoption worker is looking for the perfect family.  They know it doesn't exist.  They just want to know who you are so they can accurately match you with a child available for adoption.

3. Be Proactive
Don't be afraid to go up the chain of command if your questions are not being answered.  If any of your social workers is unable to help you, speak to their supervisor.  If you don't get the help you need, speak to THEIR supervisor, until you find someone who can give you the information you need.  At some point in the paper process, you will be given a list of contacts within the foster system.  Use it if you have to.  It's there for a reason.

4. Be Flexible
Remember that you could get a call at any time that a child is available.  Be willing to leave work early, call in sick, or move your schedule around to accommodate that meeting.  Your social worker has a busy schedule, as mentioned before.  They may need to schedule their meetings with you at the last minute, sometimes the day of.  Within reason (they understand you have a job and things that need to get done) be as flexible as possible to these scheduling anomalies.

5. Be Attentive
Take notes during classes and meetings.  Whenever you deal with someone new, ask for a card or make sure you write down their name and contact information.  This way, when you have questions or concerns, you can address them to the proper person who can help you get the answers you need.  Nothing prolongs problem solving more than asking questions of the person who doesn't have the answers.

6. Be Realistic
Although you do need to be vocal, it's not a good idea to pepper your social worker with questions and expect answers immediately.  Give them some time, have a little patience, and remember they WANT to help you.  They will answer your questions when they have the time and the correct information.

7. Be Thorough
When filling you any paperwork, fill it out COMPLETELY.  Don't leave anything blank.  If you have no information for a particular item, write "N/A" or "none".  One of the most frustrating things during the process is having paperwork returned to you because something was left out or done wrong.  County deadlines are not suggestions.  They are real.  If you're late, your process will be delayed.  Make sure everything is done on time and in the correct format.

As you navigate the system, pay attention to social workers, other families, and any other sources you may come across.  They are your allies.  You never know where some important piece of information will come from, so make sure you have your eyes open along the way.

Adoption is amazing, beautiful, meaningful, and rewarding.  It is also aggravating, frustrating, confusing, and complex.  Fill your tool box, and forge ahead.

Before You Buy a Purebred Dog, Read This

I'm a Registered Veterinary Technician, and in my field I see my fair share of crazy: crazy clients, crazy dogs, crazy cats, crazy doctors, even crazy ferrets. One of the things that makes me crazy is when people insist on buying purebred dogs, or insisting that a purebred dog is inherently better than a mix.

If you want a dog who's going to live forever and never get sick, get a mutt. There are over 300 health problems (either congenital or acquired) that relate to being purebred. Everything from skeletal abnormalities to joint problems to heart problems to difficulty breeding and giving birth to skin problems to behavior problems to breathing problems to pancreatitis. The list goes on and on.

Purebred dogs are bred for profit. That means their sole reason for existing is to make money for the breeder. They aren't bred for companionship or showmanship. And a special note about the AKC registry: it is simply a registry of genetics. All it means is that the mother and father were both AKC registered. It doesn't mean the dog meets the breed standard, it doesn't mean the dog has particular personality traits the breed is known for, it doesn't mean the dog has been screened for health problems. It doesn't even mean the dog is a particularly NICE dog.

I don't want this to sound like I categorically hate breeders. I don't. There are some good breeders out there. If you're looking for a purebred dog, you need to make sure it comes from a good breeder. How can you tell? Well, I'm glad you asked. A good breeder will not advertise in the paper. He will not stand outside Wal-Mart with a sign. He will not sell his puppies to a pet store. He will not place an ad on Craigslist, and he will not sell you a puppy for less than $1000. A good breeder is not looking to make money. He is looking to improve the breed. He will make sure both the mother and father are not only AKC registered, but have been checked for common hereditary problems by a veterinarian. He will carefully select his breeding pair for not only physical soundness, but also temperament and behavior patterns. He will maintain the integrity of his breeding stock by retiring females while they are still young enough to appreciate their quality of life, and he will spay those females to prevent them from getting pyometra, or infected uterus. Good breeders are few and far between and often difficult to find.

Pet stores are not a good place to get puppies. Most will tell you they don't get their puppies from puppy mills, but take a look at your paperwork. If the puppy's breeder of origin is somewhere in the midwest, chances are good it's from a puppy mill. The AKC has a list of certified breeders on their website, which is a good place to start. Most breeds have a local club for showing and breeding. Check with them to see what breeders they recommend.

When you look into a breeder, there are some guidelines to follow to ensure you are not compounding an already devastating problem. First, make sure and visit the breeding facility. Is it clean? Do the animals have access to food, water, and shelter? Are the puppies in a cage or running free to learn what it's like to live in a house? Is it the kind of place you would be comfortable bringing your dog back for a visit?

Second, both the mother and father should be on site when you go. You should get a chance to spend time with both parents to get an idea of what your puppy may be like when he or she grows up, both in size and temperament. Do the parents look healthy? Have they had regular veterinary care? Do they look well-fed? Are their hair coats in good shape?

Third, make sure and ask the breeder lots of questions. Have the parents been screened by a veterinarian for common hereditary problems? We all know health problems can be inherited, but 90% of a dog's behavior issues will also be inherited. Has the breeder ever noticed any problems with aggression? Obsessive behaviors? Anxiety? Do the parents have any obedience training? How did they do with that? How many litters has this female had? The answer should be only one or two in her lifetime.

Lastly, any puppy you buy should be seen by a veterinarian prior to purchase. A good breeder will be willing to pay all or part of this expense. A good breeder will also allow you to choose the veterinarian you prefer, rather than insist you go to one they prefer. If you don't have a veterinarian you prefer yet (perhaps this is your first dog) ask the breeder if they have one they like and go visit the doctor's clinic. What do you think of the place? Would you be willing to continue here?

Sound like a lot of work? It should. You should also realize that animal shelters have many beautiful, purebred dogs who have been screened for behavior problems, if not health ones. Before they put animals up for adoption they are tested for aggression and personality quirks you may want to be aware of. When you adopt a pet, you save two lives: the life of the pet you adopted, and the life of the one who can take its place in the shelter.

Shelter pets won't have papers to prove they're purebred, so if owning a purebred dog is still important to you and you want to make sure they've "proven" they're purebred, look into a rescue. There's a rescue for almost every breed out there, and all you have to do is Google the breed and the word "rescue" along with your zip code to find one near you. Rescues that specialize in purebred pets will do some of the prep work for you so you know what you're getting into when adopting from them. They all require an adoption fee that you won't be able to get back, but you WILL be able to claim on your taxes. Make sure you understand the terms of the adoption before you sign including the fee as well as any return policy they may have. Many rescues require you return the dog to them should the match not work out so they can find another home for him or her. They will usually offer you another dog in return. They will have an application for you to fill out, and many require a home visit so they can see the environment where the puppy will grow up.

If all this purebred stuff sounds way too complicated, and you still want a dog, take a trip to your local animal shelter and give them a shot. Most mutts have the best of all their breeds mixed together without the health issues. Whichever way you turn, make sure you're informed. It's an important decision.

Infertility is Not the End

In watching the 700 Club the other day, I was outraged. Now, for those of you making the, "Uh... what?" face, relax. I don't routinely (read: ever) watch the 700 Club. I had just turned on the TV and some decent network had the misfortune of airing the lunacy to which I'm about to refer. They happened to be talking about infertility, so I stopped to listen for a moment.

So many Christian leaders (I debated putting those words in quotations and decided to give them the benefit of the doubt) act as though if you just pray hard enough, and have enough faith, God will "overcome" your infertility and you'll conceive. And if you don't, well then God has spoken: He doesn't want you to have children and that's your burden. Now you need to pray for Him to help you carry it.

And that is when I changed the channel, and came here: the only place I have to speak out, educate the public, and spread a little tolerance.

I prayed long and hard, and with many tears to conceive. I prayed in every style and fashion I could think of, to every god, goddess, icon, and idol I came across. I lit candles, I recited from books, I said rosaries and Hail Marys. I called on the elements, I opened and closed circles, I did acts of faith. I sacrificed, I bargained, I sobbed, I raged. The only things any god chose to "bless" me with were infertility, early paramenopause, and polycystic ovaries.

I refused to believe two things: 1) The lie that God did not want me to have children, and 2) the lie that the only way to have children is to conceive. My husband and I chose adoption, and God (of any kind) had nothing to do with it. We have a son because we followed a prescribed process of steps, a committee liked our profile, and a woman chose drugs over her child. And as for the notion that everyone who applies for adoption conceives, I offer the following reality check: that only happens in a whopping 5% of cases.

I'm broken, defective, a disappointment to myself and many people around me. And you would have me believe that God wants me to settle for that? Then you and I are accquainted with very different Gods.

Someone actually said to me one day: "It's great you can adopt, but it's too bad you can't get pregnant." Really? Too bad? I don't have to endure swollen feet, night sweats, heartburn, or elevated temperature. I don't have to sacrifice my body and my energy. I don't have to torture the people around me with my mood swings and unreasonable demands. I don't have to endure childbirth and all the decisions that go with it: hospital or home? hot tub or not? Lamaze or epidural? vaginal or C-section? doula? doctor? midwife? You know what? You're right! Given the choice, who wouldn't take all that on?

And bonding? Don't even get me started. My son has no bond with his birthmother. He wouldn't recognize her if she were right in front of him. He may wonder later, but the fact that she carried and delivered him means nothing. He tested positive for meth at birth, that's how much she cared. You know who he is bonded with? My husband. Myself. His grandparents. His face lights up when we get him up in the morning. He stops crying when we hold him. So don't tell me it's too bad I can't get pregnant. Our family is exactly what it was supposed to be.

Carson is Home, and Other Noteworthy Thoughts

Around November of last year, we pulled ourselves together and asked our social worker to put our names back on the adoption waiting list, much to the surprise of some of our friends and family. With our previous experience, we weren't sure we would be willing to go back to the County. However, we were cautiously encouraged by the many people we encountered (including our own social worker who has been doing this quite a while and has only had 2 failed adoptions, ours included) who said it "never happens", and decided we were willing to give the County one more shot. And since we hadn't won the lottery, or as yet found $30,000 under a rock, it was really our only option.

About a month ago we were matched with a 2-month-old little boy. He's the 10th child of his birthmother, and the 2nd of his birthfather. All the other kids have been adopted. He was 6-7 weeks premature. No one really knows for sure how many because there was no prenatal care. He has some very normal preemie health issues that are resolving themselves quickly. He was having problems with the suck-swallow-breathe sequence it takes to eat, and he was diagnosed with Reactive Airway Disease. "What's that?" you say. Well, we don't really know, and the doctor looked at me like I had three heads when I told her someone had given him the label. But it caused his first doctor to prescribe a nebulizer at first every 4 hours, then every 6, then every 8, and now just every 12. He also had some issues with apnea. For the uninitiated, that means he would stop breathing from time to time. This meant he was on a monitor that would go off if he stopped breathing. When we first met him, it was going off once a week. Since he's been in our house, it hasn't gone off at all. The leads were irritating his skin, so at his last visit the doctor said he only needed to wear it when he sleeps. She also referred him to a pulmonologist (read: lung doctor) to see if he still needs the nebulizer. It looks like we'll be able to shed the machinery in the very near future.

He's not having any trouble eating anymore, and he eats a high-calorie formula to help him gain weight (he's still on the small side). We expect him to catch up with his peers in weight by his first birthday if things keep going the way they are.

And last week he started sleeping through the night (yay!) 8-9 hours at a time at night, and he seems to have settled into 2 distinct nap times during the day. We still feed him on demand and he hasn't quite settled into a pattern for that, but he's got some weight to make up for so we don't mind.

As far as legality goes, we're just waiting around for the process to happen. The County has heard nothing from either birthparent since he was taken into care, so we just have to go through the motions and wait. State law says we can't finalize the adoption until he's been in our house for at least 6 months anyway, so we'd be waiting it out under any circumstance.

Having him home has brought to my attention some things that I have always known but have recently affected me a little more personally.

One is that some people (some of them my very good friends) are childless by choice. I have no problem with this decision. I respect, and even admire, the ability to recognize that parenting is something they're not interested in for whatever reason. I taught preschool for 6 years, and I can testify to the fact that not everyone is cut out for parenting. It's not some kind of character flaw or personality disorder. It's just something that not everyone is good at. Sort of how I could never be an accountant. My clients would all sue me for getting their taxes wrong. Just not something I'm good at. Understanding you're not made for parenting is just as important as understanding that you are. And I admire anyone who chooses not to have children out of a sense of obligation or because it's expected of you. It's a sign of maturity and knowing yourself well. Both very good things.

However, some of these people (not the ones who are my very good friends) have taken this choice a dangerous step further and have decided that NO ONE should have children. Or that if they do, they should never take them anywhere public. Set aside for the moment the insanity of being locked in your home with a small child all day, every day. Really? Children should never be anywhere that adults are? How would they learn the self-control necessary in adult-type situations? How would they learn to sit nicely in a restaurant (even if they don't want to)? How would they learn when to touch and when not to? How would they learn to wait their turn?

It's fine for you to choose not to have children. Good for you for understanding it's not your thing. But I'd say that if your goal is to never be AROUND children, you'd better start ordering in a lot. Taking children out into the community is an important life lesson, as well as a necessity in some cases. Sometimes you have to run to the store now, and you can't wait until hubby gets home to babysit for you. Sometimes you're a single mom who doesn't have anyone to babysit, hubby or not. And you know what? No one is going to pay a sitter for the 2 hours it takes to go to the dentist or the vet. Kids are everywhere, so deal with it. People are not going to stop having children because you have some strange idea that taking kids in public is somehow inappropriate.

The second thing I've newly noticed is how desperate everyone is for our kids to look like us. Really? Is that what matters? Reality is there's very little chance our kids will look anything like us. And why does it matter? This is about a family, not DNA. Carson has a place on our family tree because we chose him for it, not because he got stuck with our genes (which aren't that great, may I say). I'm not connected to my son because I gave birth to him. It's because I chose to be connected. He's not attached to me because I gave him life. It's because I meet his needs and make him feel secure.

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still very much my own. Don't forget for a single minute, you grew not under my heart, but in it.

Ruminations on a Another Year Gone By

I have spent a lot of time in the last few months proudly proclaiming that I would be perfectly happy if this year just didn't exist at all. That really what I would like to do is go straight from last year to next year and just forget that good old 2010 ever happened. I mean, let's just catalog the reasons why this would be a good idea, shall we? Come with me on a trip down Misery Lane as we discover why this year should be made a gap in history.

1) I found out I am infertile. Now, I want all of your out there to try this for me to understand the weight of this statement. Imagine that you are a 29-year-old woman, who has been "trying"- as they say- to conceive for almost 2 years. Every month you think, "Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the month we got it right." And every month, you're still not pregnant. You begin to wonder if you've done something wrong. Something you don't remember doing and you're not sure why you're being punished. Every month you scrape yourself off the floor and try again. Along the way, you try to keep your marriage together and keep your husband from feeling like an unwilling participant in some sick biology project.

Finally you ask for help and seek out a specialist. Surely this person can help, can't they? This is what they do. Look at all the thank you notes in the office. Look how many people have been helped so far. Surely this is the right place. Turns out, it is the right place, but there is no help for you. And there you are, a young, vibrant, eager, hopeful mother-to-be, in an instant reduced to broken, flawed, helpless, and useless. This thing that so may people do by accident, you can't do at all. These people who take for granted that they can have children (of course they can... who can't?) all around you. Your friends who are trying to decide if they "want to have another one" and you'd give your right arm to have just one. And as a bonus, you find out you get to have menopause 10 years earlier than anyone else around you. And no, you can't have a hysterectomy, even though you now have a reminder every month of that worthless lump of muscle in your abdomen.

2) Our adoption application almost got stopped because I have epilepsy. I have had epilepsy for going on 5 years now. I've been seizure-free for 4 of them. I was up front on our adoption application about this condition. Our social worker's supervisor wanted a guarantee from my neurologist (who had already written a letter saying that there was no reason I couldn't be a mom, that she considered my seizures very well controlled, and that I was a compliant patient who did everything I was supposed to) that I would never have another seizure again. This is, of course, impossible and we told her as much. We ended up going to HER supervisor with our case, and suddenly the doctor's letter was just fine, application approved.

3) Ryan's pay got cut 15%. I know we've all heard about the State budget and how in debt we are. One of the ways the government has chosen to alleviate this debt is by cutting State employee pay. This is because MOST State employees are paid from what is called the General Fund which is the pool of money the State has at its disposal. It does save a lot of money to cut the pay of employees who are paid out of this Fund. However, Ryan is not paid out of this Fund. His department generates their own salary from the citations they write. Therefore, it makes NO SENSE to cut his salary. But cut it they did, and we spent most of this year wondering how we were going to pay our mortgage.

4) I took a pay cut when I was unceremoniously fired and took my present job. I took the first job that came along because the job market in my chosen field is not good right now, and it is a managerial position. The responsibility was a step up, the pay was a big step down.

5) We had our children returned to their convicted-felon birth parents. And the social worker on the case had the balls to say she understood who hard this was for us. A woman with her own children who treated us as if we were nothing but a thorn in her side the entire time we dealt with her. She was rude, she was unprofessional, she refused to give us information we asked for, she didn't return phone calls or e-mails in a timely manner. She didn't understand anything, let alone how hard this was for us.

6) Car and house projects abound. These things are always around, but added to everything else, replacing the roof on the back patio, 2 car radiators, some broken sprinklers, and a couple of broken door handles were the sprinkles on the cookie of disaster that was this year.

However...

1) My sister got married this year to a wonderful man who treats her with all the respect and tenderness she deserves. Their wedding was such fun and seeing the family we don't get to see very often was a blast.

2) My new job is a fabulous one with a staff of people who care about each other and the practice so much that I don't miss the money (much). My boss is the best one I've ever had. He appreciates the staff, and has our back no matter what happens. The associates are fun to work with and ask for opinions rather than dictating orders. The staff genuinely likes each other and it shows. And when I needed to take time off both when we got the kids and when we had to give them away, they were so understanding and helpful. And when I came back to work, no one forced me to talk about anything. I wanted to get back to life as usual and they understood that.

3) In the face of this year, my marriage has gotten firmer and richer. Things I never would have been able to be honest about before, I can now. Conversations I couldn't imagine happening do.

And here we are, staring another holiday season in the face. What do I do? I have a choice. I can be angry and bitter and depressed, or I can be hopeful, positive, and a little wiser as I go forward. I choose the latter.

Bad things happen. I know that better than most. If I don't choose to learn from them, I can never figure out why they happened. So maybe I still wish this year hadn't happened. But the lessons I learned and the wisdom I gained are a small but rich reward.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'" -Jeremiah 29.11

Our Adoption in Progress

We accepted Frankie and Jasmine into our home because the social worker told us it was low-risk, meaning it was unlikely the birthparents would get the children back.

Let me back up.

The county called us for a presentation of 2 children up for adoption. It was a sibling set, a boy and a girl, who had been in foster care for 5 months. They came to the attention of the county when the parents (mom 19 and dad 17) brought Jasmine to the hospital. They thought she was constipated, but she was actually starving to death. The doctors said that if they had waited one more day, she would have been dead. The children were taken and placed in foster care that day. The birthparents were convicted of felony endangerment and incarcerated. Since their release, the social worker has offered them use of county services from parenting classes, to GED courses, to counseling, all to gather evidence to support her decision not to allow the children back with parents who almost killed one of them.

A few family members stepped forward and were interested in adopting the children, but none of them could pass a background check. The birthparents have no support system or good example to follow. Mom is youngest of 7, a high school dropout whose siblings have all said she made her own bed. Dad is oldest of 9 (with one on the way) and for a while his mother was helping. When Jasmine was born she said she could no longer help out.

After our presentation, our case was transferred to a new social worker. Bureaucracy and all that. The new social worker believes everything is going well. The birthparents are learning what they're supposed to, seem to be benefitting, she feels the court will look favorably on returning these children to their home of origin where one of them almost died. The court has ordered that the birthparents get to visit for 4 hours a week with supervision, so once a week we take the kids to the CPS office and they visit. Because dad is a minor, there's a no-contact order between the birthparents so they have to do their visitation separately. That means 4 hours a week they visit at the CPS office.

There is a court date coming up in October where parental rights were supposed to be terminated. With the spin the new social worker (and her supervisor) are putting on this case, the most likely outcome is a 6-month extension and possible increase in visitation.

Meanwhile we have the kids in our home, caring for them, kissing their boo boos, reading them bedtime stories, taking them to Grandma's house, making sure they're fed, warm, cool, healthy, giving them love and discipline, all to have the court take them away in a year. Our adoption worker has offered us an out: the status of the case has changed, we can pull out if we want to. We never signed on to be a temporary home. But how can we do that? How can we send these children back? While they're here we know they're loved, cared-for, and safe. If we let them go, we know no such thing. And if the court wants us to give them up, they're going to have to take them.

When this all started, we were so confident. Sure these were the right kids. Sure the timing and the situation were right. Sure this was what God wanted for our family. We told everyone, they threw baby showers, we took time off work to help them settle in. Everything had gone so smoothly: we finished our paperwork quickly, we took our training, we passed our home inspection the first time, we were chosen from the pool in a month (unprecidented in our county). Why is it falling apart now? Why is there nothing we can do? Why did we get a social worker so willing to send these children back to a home with no support system, no opportunities, no consistency?

I feel very strongly that this is a test of our faith. The question is, how far will that test go? Will it work itself out and our reward will be to keep the children? Or, like Abraham, Moses's mother, and God Himself, will we be asked to give up our children? And if we are, and we pass that test, what's our reward? We've already been told once we wouldn't have biological children, will we be asked to give up having children at all? Don't we have rights here? Don't the children? The trite answer is that we have to be willing to do what's best for the children. I am. I don't believe sending these children back to parents who almost killed one of them and then went to jail for it is what's best for them. There is no one to represent the children in this case, except us, and our word has no credibility because of our natural (and understandable) bias.

All the same, I want desperately to testify in this case, or at least submit a statement to the court. I didn't when it started, but I do now. I want my voice, and the voice of my children, to be heard by the judge. I don't want to send them back to a more difficult life. I don't want to put them in the hands of convicted abusers. And as callous as this may sound, they can have more. They have the luxury of fertility and youth. We have had such luxuries taken from us.

I'm a little bit of a control freak, and I dislike having control not only lost but actively taken at every turn. My only hope now is to pray for a wise judge who will see the truth behind the legal mask. One who will know what's right and not what's legal. One who will see a family, and not a temporary solution. And I need to send this question out to the cosmos in the hopes that someone may see and offer some suggestion. I expect no answers from this avenue, which is part of why I wrote it. But perhaps someone will have an idea. If anyone knows any lawyers, social workers, or court advocates, send them my way. Have them drop me an e-mail. I need to build up my army. This is going to be one hell of a battle.

Once more into the breach, dear friends.

And Now A Moment of Insanity

My husband and I are in the process of adopting a baby. To clarify (because it definitely is confusing), there is no baby yet. In common adoption parlance, we are "pregnant by adoption." We have been through all the preliminary steps, we've been analysed by everyone who matters including 2 social workers, first aid instructors, parenting class teachers, and 4 references we had to provide on our own. All we're doing now is waiting. And waiting... and waiting... and waiting.

However, recently we were actually matched with a little girl. We were presented to a matching committee and they chose us as a potential match for a 1-year-old girl. Her social worker called our social worker and we went to what is known as a presentation. At the presentation, we were presented with all the information available about this little girl and her biological parents. As for the little girl herself, there were very few things that concerned us. She had some developmental delays that were the result of lack of stimulation in her environment. They were all very normal things we would expect to see in a child who had been in foster care since birth.

It was her birth parents that had us concerned. Both of them were schizophrenic and were institutionalized because of it. Now, we found out that if one parent is schizophrenic, there's about a 10% chance that the child will be. If both parents are, it's about 50-50. We also found out that it's something that can show up 20-30 years down the road. So we had to think long and hard about whether or not we were equipped to deal with this sort of thing and how comfortable we were with the chances that this little girl would develop mental illness later in life.

Now, run with me for a little bit because this next part is going to sound a little crazy. I was in the shower the afternoon of our presentation and I heard a voice in my head that said, "This is not the right one."

Okay, before you judge, let me digress a bit. I'm a Christian. I have been my whole life. And when I entered my college years, I was gifted with the Gift of Prophecy. The point of this entry is not a discussion about Spiritual Gifts, but let me give you the short version. Prophesy is not divination. It is not telling the future. In magical terms, Pagans call it Sight. Some people may call it intuition. Other people call it a gut feeling. It simply means that God speaks to me a little bit more loudly than He does to others. I don't know why. The "why" is not something God has shared with me. I believe it's how God speaks to me. Sometimes it's through music, sometimes it's something I read, sometimes it's a vision, and sometimes a voice like this time. The thing they call have in common is something I call a "feel." When the message comes from God, it has a certain feel. I can tell it's Him. Usually other sources are all from myself. I have a tendency to do what my therapist called "living in my head" which means I frequently listen to my own internal monologue more than I listen to the outside world. This makes it difficult to interpret Prophecy sometimes, but it's a personality quirk, and we all have those. I frequently allow Prophecy to help me make decisions, and I hoped desperately hoped God would give me something good this time.

And He didn't disappoint. Not only did He tell me, he also told my husband. And because the voice was from God, we knew it was the right choice to say no to this little girl.

That does not mean we didn't have issues with the choice.

The first was that we never thought we'd find ourselves turning a child down. We really had hoped we would be a forever home for whatever child may come across our path.

The second was that in some small way we felt as though we were punishing this little girl for something that wasn't her fault. Jesus said the sins of the father should not be visited up on the son. Who are we to say that we don't want this child in our home because we're afraid that what happened to her parents would happen to her? Who gave us that authority?

The last was the fear that this beautiful little girl would end up being raised in foster care because no one else would be willing to take a chance on her.

And yet through all of this, we knew the best thing for her would be to put her back in the pool and allow the right family to find her. Maybe we weren't the right family, but the right one would come along.

Last week, our social worker told us the very next family to hear about her accepted her. And so the Plan goes on. I don't claim to understand it, or even my own role in it. But the Bible says that all things work together for the good of those who love Him, and here we saw it happen. She found a home, we're back on the list, and we now have the conviction that when the right comes along, we'll know. Immediately and without question.