It is officially Holloween season. I love Halloween. I love it (GASP) more than Christmas. I love costumes and haunted houses. I love scary movies and carnivals. I love jack-o-lanterns, candy, and bouncy houses. I love the magic in the air. For a whole day, anyone can be anyone or anything they want. I spend months planning my Halloween activities. October 1st, I devote myself to finding scary movies on TV, the perfect Halloween candy (I have to be the good house), and the most fun festivals, parties, and carnivals I can.
Monsters are fascinating to me. Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein, whatever that thing was that lived under my bed when I was a kid. Each one scarier than the next. However, I have recently discovered a monster scarier than any other I have ever encountered (and I've been to Knott's Scary Farm many times). This monster strikes fear in the heart of everyone it encounters. Angels certainly fear to tread in its presence. And yet, there has never been a single movie made or book written about this monster (at least that I know of). Perhaps it's because it's so fearsome we dare not speak of it. It's so scary our brains refuse to dwell on it. We awake from nightmares about this monster, unable to recall what caused such full-blown terror. It is what makes us afraid of the dark. It is what makes us afraid of silence. We fear what's under the bed because we know this monster could certainly thrive in that environment. This monster is known only as CRANKY BABY!
We live in fear of CRANKY BABY. Everything we do, every day, is aimed at avoiding an encounter with CRANKY BABY. Why do I skip lunch? So I can feed Carson and prevent him from transforming into CRANKY BABY. Why do I plan field trips? So Carson doesn't get bored and turn into CRANKY BABY. Why do I get up before dawn on Sunday mornings? Because that's when Carson wakes up begins plotting when to become CRANKY BABY.
And when CRANKY BABY appears, what do we do? We beg, we plead, we cry, we bribe, we avoid. But you can't ignore CRANKY BABY. You can't lock CRANKY BABY in a room and hope it goes away. Why? Ah. This is at the heart of what makes CRANKY BABY so terrifying. Avoidance and ignoring only fuels CRANKY BABY. The more you pretend CRANKY BABY isn't around, the more CRANKY BABY displays its power. CRANKY BABY has an endless supply of energy, and needs no motivation. It takes no prisoners and can strike at any moment. At home during dinner. Out shopping. At Grandma's house. At Disneyland. And its appearance is a virtual guarantee anywhere near bedtime.
But we have a weapon againt the terror that is CRANKY BABY. We have one way to combat the fear, the demands, the insistence of this terrible creature. That weapon is something in the home of every family that harbors a latent CRANKY BABY waiting to emerge. It's a commonplace object that is our only raft in the endless sea of fear that surrounds CRANKY BABY. This relief, this savior, this sword is known as THE BOTTLE. When fear of CRANKY BABY reaches its peak, our only recourse is THE BOTTLE. Wielding THE BOTTLE sends CRANKY BABY running for the hills, and only then can peace be restored.
And the peasants rejoice.
Monsters are fascinating to me. Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein, whatever that thing was that lived under my bed when I was a kid. Each one scarier than the next. However, I have recently discovered a monster scarier than any other I have ever encountered (and I've been to Knott's Scary Farm many times). This monster strikes fear in the heart of everyone it encounters. Angels certainly fear to tread in its presence. And yet, there has never been a single movie made or book written about this monster (at least that I know of). Perhaps it's because it's so fearsome we dare not speak of it. It's so scary our brains refuse to dwell on it. We awake from nightmares about this monster, unable to recall what caused such full-blown terror. It is what makes us afraid of the dark. It is what makes us afraid of silence. We fear what's under the bed because we know this monster could certainly thrive in that environment. This monster is known only as CRANKY BABY!
We live in fear of CRANKY BABY. Everything we do, every day, is aimed at avoiding an encounter with CRANKY BABY. Why do I skip lunch? So I can feed Carson and prevent him from transforming into CRANKY BABY. Why do I plan field trips? So Carson doesn't get bored and turn into CRANKY BABY. Why do I get up before dawn on Sunday mornings? Because that's when Carson wakes up begins plotting when to become CRANKY BABY.
And when CRANKY BABY appears, what do we do? We beg, we plead, we cry, we bribe, we avoid. But you can't ignore CRANKY BABY. You can't lock CRANKY BABY in a room and hope it goes away. Why? Ah. This is at the heart of what makes CRANKY BABY so terrifying. Avoidance and ignoring only fuels CRANKY BABY. The more you pretend CRANKY BABY isn't around, the more CRANKY BABY displays its power. CRANKY BABY has an endless supply of energy, and needs no motivation. It takes no prisoners and can strike at any moment. At home during dinner. Out shopping. At Grandma's house. At Disneyland. And its appearance is a virtual guarantee anywhere near bedtime.
But we have a weapon againt the terror that is CRANKY BABY. We have one way to combat the fear, the demands, the insistence of this terrible creature. That weapon is something in the home of every family that harbors a latent CRANKY BABY waiting to emerge. It's a commonplace object that is our only raft in the endless sea of fear that surrounds CRANKY BABY. This relief, this savior, this sword is known as THE BOTTLE. When fear of CRANKY BABY reaches its peak, our only recourse is THE BOTTLE. Wielding THE BOTTLE sends CRANKY BABY running for the hills, and only then can peace be restored.
And the peasants rejoice.
