My university's alumni newsletter did a feature on adoption in its most recent issue. The focus appeared to be using adoption to express God's love. A beautiful topic, and many inspiring and wonderful stories. I'm grateful to the families who were willing to share, and I greatly enjoyed reading them.
And yet, as I read, I was aware of another similarity all the stories had. They were all private or international adoptions entered into by families who felt they were doing God's will in adopting a child. That this was their ministry.
While I agree that adoption is certainly a wonderful allegory for God's love for His people (we are, after all, adopted into His family once we choose to be), I wondered what these selfless and Godly people would think of me, who chose to adopt for the selfish reason of wanting to have and raise children. I admit, I thought very little about what Jesus would do in my situation, and I was not motivated by showing God's love to my children. Certainly they would be raised in a Christian home, but that's simply the climate of our family. I chose to adopt because I wanted to be a mother. It's possibly the only thing I've wanted for as long as I've been able to articulate future goals. I've wanted it for my entire marriage. My entire adult life, for certain.
These stories also brought to light a gap in the world of adoption education as far as what information is out there and the public opinion of adoption in general.
When most people talk about adoption, they're talking about these same kinds of adoptions: private, open, international. The kind that cost a not-so-small fortune. It's one of the things that makes some people afraid to attempt it. Every adoptive couple has two major fears: the first is that something will go wrong and the adoption will fall through. The second is the price tag. The costs associated with private and international adoption also cause many people (myself included) to have an ethical dilemma on their hands. In the face of $30,000 in expenses, how do you convince yourself you're not buying a baby?
My central thesis in this discussion is that roads to fost-adopt need to be more vocal. The foster system needs to wave it's hand around and let people know it's out there. People fear the foster system because of the horror stories that are out there. We've all seen the stories in the news of the child being driven away from the adoptive family, tears streaming down her face, only to be returned to a family that couldn't support her in the first place. Stories like these are, in fact, rare. The reason we hear about them, the reason they make news is because they're rare.
Another thing to understand about the foster system is that adoptive families and foster families are essentially in different categories. When you first fill out the very first piece of paper, you designate yourself as either adoptive or foster. You also get to dictate how much risk you're willing to take when having a child placed in your home. Legal risk is the likelihood that the child will go back to his or her biological family. There are 5 levels of legal risk ranging from 5 (definitely going back) to 1 (parental rights have already been terminated and the are no family members within 4 degrees of biological separation who are willing to take the child... also known as legally free), and you get to say how far you're willing to go. The social workers will only present you with children who meet your legal criteria.
The world of private adoption is all full of fuzzy stories about birthmothers making a loving choice and choosing a family to raise their children. And those things are true. But the adoptive family is left feeling totally out of control of the future of their own family. Here they are, ready for a family, and it all hinges on someone else's decision. They have to be "right" or "good enough" or "suitable". Most adoptive families already feel somewhat out of control for various reasons in their past. And now they enter a process that removes yet more control. The foster system, while not perfect, does give adoptive families a small measure of control. When they are matched with a child in need of a permanent home, they go to a social worker's office for a presentation where they hear the child's story and then are given 24 hours to decide if this child's case is one they want to be a part of. If they decide to move forward, a schedule is created to aid the transition from foster home to permanent home. If they decline, the social worker moves on to the next matched family and offers them the choice. The child never knows any of this is going on.
Adoption is confusing because the private adoption world has dominated the public opinion, and their advocates and representatives are not always clear about how the process works, how laws apply, and what the rights of all involved parties are. People believe the horror stories perpetuated by the media because no one is standing up to set the record straight.
Well, consider my feet on the ground, my head held high, and my hand waving in the air. I adopted two wonderful, amazing, beautiful, unique children through the foster program. They are neither "messed up" nor are they scarred for life (except what my husband and I may scar them with as time goes on). They are perfect, incredible kids, and fine examples of the kind of experience that is common within the foster system.
All questions will be answered.
And yet, as I read, I was aware of another similarity all the stories had. They were all private or international adoptions entered into by families who felt they were doing God's will in adopting a child. That this was their ministry.
While I agree that adoption is certainly a wonderful allegory for God's love for His people (we are, after all, adopted into His family once we choose to be), I wondered what these selfless and Godly people would think of me, who chose to adopt for the selfish reason of wanting to have and raise children. I admit, I thought very little about what Jesus would do in my situation, and I was not motivated by showing God's love to my children. Certainly they would be raised in a Christian home, but that's simply the climate of our family. I chose to adopt because I wanted to be a mother. It's possibly the only thing I've wanted for as long as I've been able to articulate future goals. I've wanted it for my entire marriage. My entire adult life, for certain.
These stories also brought to light a gap in the world of adoption education as far as what information is out there and the public opinion of adoption in general.
When most people talk about adoption, they're talking about these same kinds of adoptions: private, open, international. The kind that cost a not-so-small fortune. It's one of the things that makes some people afraid to attempt it. Every adoptive couple has two major fears: the first is that something will go wrong and the adoption will fall through. The second is the price tag. The costs associated with private and international adoption also cause many people (myself included) to have an ethical dilemma on their hands. In the face of $30,000 in expenses, how do you convince yourself you're not buying a baby?
My central thesis in this discussion is that roads to fost-adopt need to be more vocal. The foster system needs to wave it's hand around and let people know it's out there. People fear the foster system because of the horror stories that are out there. We've all seen the stories in the news of the child being driven away from the adoptive family, tears streaming down her face, only to be returned to a family that couldn't support her in the first place. Stories like these are, in fact, rare. The reason we hear about them, the reason they make news is because they're rare.
Another thing to understand about the foster system is that adoptive families and foster families are essentially in different categories. When you first fill out the very first piece of paper, you designate yourself as either adoptive or foster. You also get to dictate how much risk you're willing to take when having a child placed in your home. Legal risk is the likelihood that the child will go back to his or her biological family. There are 5 levels of legal risk ranging from 5 (definitely going back) to 1 (parental rights have already been terminated and the are no family members within 4 degrees of biological separation who are willing to take the child... also known as legally free), and you get to say how far you're willing to go. The social workers will only present you with children who meet your legal criteria.
The world of private adoption is all full of fuzzy stories about birthmothers making a loving choice and choosing a family to raise their children. And those things are true. But the adoptive family is left feeling totally out of control of the future of their own family. Here they are, ready for a family, and it all hinges on someone else's decision. They have to be "right" or "good enough" or "suitable". Most adoptive families already feel somewhat out of control for various reasons in their past. And now they enter a process that removes yet more control. The foster system, while not perfect, does give adoptive families a small measure of control. When they are matched with a child in need of a permanent home, they go to a social worker's office for a presentation where they hear the child's story and then are given 24 hours to decide if this child's case is one they want to be a part of. If they decide to move forward, a schedule is created to aid the transition from foster home to permanent home. If they decline, the social worker moves on to the next matched family and offers them the choice. The child never knows any of this is going on.
Adoption is confusing because the private adoption world has dominated the public opinion, and their advocates and representatives are not always clear about how the process works, how laws apply, and what the rights of all involved parties are. People believe the horror stories perpetuated by the media because no one is standing up to set the record straight.
Well, consider my feet on the ground, my head held high, and my hand waving in the air. I adopted two wonderful, amazing, beautiful, unique children through the foster program. They are neither "messed up" nor are they scarred for life (except what my husband and I may scar them with as time goes on). They are perfect, incredible kids, and fine examples of the kind of experience that is common within the foster system.
All questions will be answered.
