Fielding Adoption Questions and Spreading Some Love

I thought for a long time about whether to mention this topic here because I didn't want to sound ranting (too late!) or whining, both of which are uninteresting to read. However, I have come to the conclusion that my motivation for talking about such things is not to rant, complain, whine, or otherwise throw an adult-sized tantrum. My motivation is actually to educate anyone out there who may read this about adoption as a topic, and about how to talk to anyone you may meet who either an adoptive parent or child. With that in mind, I'm going to bring up some topics that are both insensitive and inappropriate to bring up to adoptive parents or their children. Many people who say these things mean well. They don't realize their questions or comments are inappropriate or even hurtful. And that is why I'm writing this: to give you an edge over these people and keep you from making their mistakes.

First of all, there are several kinds of adoption, but the three common are private, international, and agency. All of these types have varying degrees of openness, a topic I'll get to in a second.

Private adoption is one facilitated by a lawyer or agency that specializes in helping birthparents and adoptive parents find each other. This is the kind of adoption romanticized by such television shows as "An Adoption Story" and "A Baby Story". They are what has become the public opinion of adoption where a birthmother is making an adoption plan for her child before he or she is born, chooses an adoptive family, and turns the baby over after birth, often in the hospital.

International adoption, as the name suggests, is when an adoptive family from the U.S. chooses to adopt a child from another country. This frequently takes longer, and each country has different rules about who can adopt, how the process will go, and what is required. These children frequently come from orphanages in the country of origin, so adoptive families don't usually meet the birth family.

Agency adoption is sometimes referred to as fost-adopt, or social services adoption. The children come from what is commonly referred to as "the system", meaning they have been removed from their birth families for their own safety. The agency (usually Child Protective Services or some similar governing body) has made the decision that it is in the child's best interest to be placed in a home for adoption rather than return to his or her family of origin.

All types of adoption vary in the level of openness, that is, relationship between the adoptive family and the birth family. Some adoptive families have never met their children's birth families, some have met once or twice, some exchange regular information and pictures, and some have extended family-type relationships. Each case is different, and each family has to decide which is the best option for them.

My husband and I are in the process of an agency adoption, so the insight I can give comes from that perspective. It's the process I'm most familiar with, and the only one I have experience with, so it's the only one I'm comfortable speculating on. The following annoying topics are annoying regardless of the type of adoption chosen, but as to WHY they're annoying, that can vary from case to case, person to person. Again, all insights are from my own experience and may or may not be the same for everyone you meet. Take it as a guideline, and understand that some things may just need to be re-worded, not left out entirely from the conversation.

1. Who are his "real" parents?
My husband and I are his real parents. He lives with us, we feed him, change him, spend time with him, take him to the doctor, put him to bed at night and get him up in the morning. We wonder whether he's teething or getting enough nutrients. We make sure he gains enough weight. We give him his medication. If you are wondering about his biological parents, the words you're looking for are "birthmother", "birthfather", or even "birth family".

2. Aren't you wonderful to adopt this child?
Hate to break it to you, but we're not adopting to get more jewels on our crowns in Heaven, or even to do something nice for our community. We're doing it because we want children. We're not saints, and we're not perfect, we just want to be parents.

3. How could his "real" mother give away an adorable baby?
Once again, I am his real mother, my husband is his real father. And truth be told, she didn't give him away. The County took him. She's actually been as much a thorn in our sides as she can be with all the things she's done to try and stop the adoption from happening. Now, why did she make the choices she made that caused the County to decide to take him? I really have no idea. You'd have to ask her that.

4. Do you know anything about his background?
He doesn't have a background, he's 8 months old. His background WILL be that he grew up in a warm, loving, mostly functional home. His birthmother's background? Well, yes, we know a little bit about that. As much as she was willing to fess up to the County social worker who talked to her after she gave birth. Is it all true? Who knows?

5. What will you do if he searches for his "real" mother?
Again with the "real" mother! See question 1 on that. And incidentally, he has every right to search for his birthmother. I'll help him. I'm not threatened by her, and she shouldn't be by me. If my son wants to know where he came from, he can. I want him to.

6. It's almost like having one of your own, right?
Uhm... it's exactly like having one of my own, because he IS my own. My son. Not a loan, not a guardianship, not a temporary solution. He's mine for life, whether he likes it or not.

7. Why was he given up for adoption?
He wasn't given up. And the reasons are really none of your business. That information is not public record, and is actually quite personal. I'm happy to share his history with people I know well, but it's not your right to ask simply because you know he's adopted. I don't ask about the night your child was conceived, and you would be slightly taken aback if I did.

8. How much did you pay for your baby?
Some adoption process are associated with fees. Everyone would like them to be free, but the reality is things cost money: lawyers, social workers, background checks, physicals, sometimes travel. None of this money is money paid for a baby. You're paying for a process, not a child. All that being said, because our adoption is through our County, we didn't pay anything. In fact, they pay us until the adoption is finalized because until then our son is actually a foster child.

9. Now that you've adopted, you'll probably get pregnant, right?
This one burns me more than any other. Only 5% of adoptive families get pregnant after they adopt. And that's only when no reason has been found for their initial infertility, if there was any. Long story, but I am not able to get pregnant. Period. It doesn't matter how much I pray, believe, or relax. I won't get pregnant. Sorry to be such a disappointment to you.

10. Are you going to tell him he's adopted?
Why wouldn't we? Being adopted isn't shameful, any more than being born is. It's how he joined our family. There have been numerous studies that show that kids who know they're adopted grow up much happier, healthier, and more confident than kids that find out later. On a more practical note: can you imagine keeping something like that a secret forever? Even I can't keep track of that many stories. And if we weren't going to tell him, why would we tell you?