I have spent a lot of time in the last few months proudly proclaiming that I would be perfectly happy if this year just didn't exist at all. That really what I would like to do is go straight from last year to next year and just forget that good old 2010 ever happened. I mean, let's just catalog the reasons why this would be a good idea, shall we? Come with me on a trip down Misery Lane as we discover why this year should be made a gap in history.
1) I found out I am infertile. Now, I want all of your out there to try this for me to understand the weight of this statement. Imagine that you are a 29-year-old woman, who has been "trying"- as they say- to conceive for almost 2 years. Every month you think, "Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the month we got it right." And every month, you're still not pregnant. You begin to wonder if you've done something wrong. Something you don't remember doing and you're not sure why you're being punished. Every month you scrape yourself off the floor and try again. Along the way, you try to keep your marriage together and keep your husband from feeling like an unwilling participant in some sick biology project.
Finally you ask for help and seek out a specialist. Surely this person can help, can't they? This is what they do. Look at all the thank you notes in the office. Look how many people have been helped so far. Surely this is the right place. Turns out, it is the right place, but there is no help for you. And there you are, a young, vibrant, eager, hopeful mother-to-be, in an instant reduced to broken, flawed, helpless, and useless. This thing that so may people do by accident, you can't do at all. These people who take for granted that they can have children (of course they can... who can't?) all around you. Your friends who are trying to decide if they "want to have another one" and you'd give your right arm to have just one. And as a bonus, you find out you get to have menopause 10 years earlier than anyone else around you. And no, you can't have a hysterectomy, even though you now have a reminder every month of that worthless lump of muscle in your abdomen.
2) Our adoption application almost got stopped because I have epilepsy. I have had epilepsy for going on 5 years now. I've been seizure-free for 4 of them. I was up front on our adoption application about this condition. Our social worker's supervisor wanted a guarantee from my neurologist (who had already written a letter saying that there was no reason I couldn't be a mom, that she considered my seizures very well controlled, and that I was a compliant patient who did everything I was supposed to) that I would never have another seizure again. This is, of course, impossible and we told her as much. We ended up going to HER supervisor with our case, and suddenly the doctor's letter was just fine, application approved.
3) Ryan's pay got cut 15%. I know we've all heard about the State budget and how in debt we are. One of the ways the government has chosen to alleviate this debt is by cutting State employee pay. This is because MOST State employees are paid from what is called the General Fund which is the pool of money the State has at its disposal. It does save a lot of money to cut the pay of employees who are paid out of this Fund. However, Ryan is not paid out of this Fund. His department generates their own salary from the citations they write. Therefore, it makes NO SENSE to cut his salary. But cut it they did, and we spent most of this year wondering how we were going to pay our mortgage.
4) I took a pay cut when I was unceremoniously fired and took my present job. I took the first job that came along because the job market in my chosen field is not good right now, and it is a managerial position. The responsibility was a step up, the pay was a big step down.
5) We had our children returned to their convicted-felon birth parents. And the social worker on the case had the balls to say she understood who hard this was for us. A woman with her own children who treated us as if we were nothing but a thorn in her side the entire time we dealt with her. She was rude, she was unprofessional, she refused to give us information we asked for, she didn't return phone calls or e-mails in a timely manner. She didn't understand anything, let alone how hard this was for us.
6) Car and house projects abound. These things are always around, but added to everything else, replacing the roof on the back patio, 2 car radiators, some broken sprinklers, and a couple of broken door handles were the sprinkles on the cookie of disaster that was this year.
However...
1) My sister got married this year to a wonderful man who treats her with all the respect and tenderness she deserves. Their wedding was such fun and seeing the family we don't get to see very often was a blast.
2) My new job is a fabulous one with a staff of people who care about each other and the practice so much that I don't miss the money (much). My boss is the best one I've ever had. He appreciates the staff, and has our back no matter what happens. The associates are fun to work with and ask for opinions rather than dictating orders. The staff genuinely likes each other and it shows. And when I needed to take time off both when we got the kids and when we had to give them away, they were so understanding and helpful. And when I came back to work, no one forced me to talk about anything. I wanted to get back to life as usual and they understood that.
3) In the face of this year, my marriage has gotten firmer and richer. Things I never would have been able to be honest about before, I can now. Conversations I couldn't imagine happening do.
And here we are, staring another holiday season in the face. What do I do? I have a choice. I can be angry and bitter and depressed, or I can be hopeful, positive, and a little wiser as I go forward. I choose the latter.
Bad things happen. I know that better than most. If I don't choose to learn from them, I can never figure out why they happened. So maybe I still wish this year hadn't happened. But the lessons I learned and the wisdom I gained are a small but rich reward.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'" -Jeremiah 29.11
Thursday, December 9, 2010
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